The last dream I had, which eventually turned into a plan, was to travel solo to Asia for some time. I truly enjoyed every single moment of that trip. It was also very challenging, way more than I thought (not because of the places I visited: Asia is actually a great destination for women travelling solo).
The challenge was the way I was feeling.
I personally thought lots about all the other times when I was wishing to be in Asia but was still in Portugal. And as I realized my dream wasn’t a dream anymore because it had turned into my present, I felt the taste of nothingness taking me over.
Once you get to that place, you get that thing, you are with that person, you reach that goal… there’s nothing really left. It’s you with yourself and the ideas you created about the wish you had all the past times you could not have what you wanted yet.
I remember so well this feeling when I reached Vietnam. I was literally dragging myself from places to places and I could see the universe looking at me, saying:
‘Oh…you’re finally here. Great, you made it!! I’ve been waiting for you for a long time…
…and now, what?’
I had the feeling my universe was waiting to see how I actually responded once I got where I wanted…
…and now, what?
Deep inside, day by day, I realized something wasn’t right with my life and I truly couldn’t understand what was it until I changed my flights and came back to Portugal one month earlier than originally planned. Something was triggered inside me while I was on my own on the other side of the world.
It has to do with the purpose of my future life, the way I want to live it and the kind of people I want to surround myself with. So I took a hard decision, maybe the hardest I had ever taken because how are we actually supposed to break up with someone we love?
It was like I had wakened up from a dream. I thought about who I was when I got to Portugal. I was empty, like a torn piece of paper at the mercy of the winds. I didn’t know who I was. I just knew I wanted to start my life all over again and build it from scratch as I want it. I was so empty and was so natural to let me fill with unconditional, playful love. Who wouldn’t have done it?
But a relationship can’t fill holes which are there to be filled by ourselves, which are meant for us. And if we leave things in a corner and we forget about them thinking they will eventually fade away, we are just wasting time and postponing what can be healed today…because they will either come back or we will have to bury them deeper and deeper and deeper. But whose life we’ll be living then?
I think about some people I know, including how I was some time ago when I repeatedly used to dream about things, events, people. I look at my heart today, I realize that all I wanna do is just enjoy the nothingness of being where I want to be which has to be where I am.
I believe desires aren’t always to make us dream. Sometimes they can make us aware of what is surrounding us in our present.
It’s where I am now, rather than where I wish to be
It’s who we really are and not the expectations we have for ourselves and the ones we love
Even though a dream which is turning into a plan is the best motivation to live with purpose, it is also true that all we are certain of is always what we have today and not what we wish for tomorrow.
“Love when is real sends us back to who we really are…it has to”