…when faith feels like fading away?
When the alarm clock rings in the morning and we don’t have the energy to wake up? Day, after day…
And what about when, after so many years spent singing loudly inside our car on Saturday nights with our best friend, after all the laughs and pictures and tacos, we look at the rear mirror one day wondering
where all of this has now gone?
One day when after years next to him, the vanilla ice cream on a Sunday afternoon suddenly tastes as plastic. Friday evening watching movies lose warmth and excitement for sharing with joy such a small little thing.
Is there a way to stop all this?
I miss who I was.
I have always had a kind of push inside. To do things and to do them with all my heart. A couple of years ago I might have gone crazy partying. I always tried all the things I wanted and went to the edge of any kind experience if that was my call.
Lately has been more an inward push, to understand where I have been going until today. What can I do to get to what I want? What I want to achieve in life? How can I be more useful to this planet, my friends, strangers crossing my path?
I think in all my lived 33 years I have never been in such a confusing crossroad. As if excitement for living this life has suddenly left me. Having a destination for me is being lost.
The confusion takes me because there is no apparent storm. No big change outside me. No major event.
It is just me, changing. Growing up for the good or for the bad. Me realizing I do not know what I want because every day that goes by there is one only certainty in this life: I do not know what I want.
But this silent change, this subtle invite is so mellow and shy that it barely looks the way it really is. It already knocked me physically down for some weeks until I reached that moment I am living now.
I simply stopped putting shame on myself. I simply stopped wishing me and everything to stop.
I reminded myself – I am human. I have to accept that. I have to accept my simpleness and my finiteness which is a permanent imperfection per my very nature.
So what I did, and what I am trying to do, is to stop this madness.
Stop torturing me, my passenger thoughts, my feelings. Ideas about how my life should be lived because hey – maybe I am not that great as I thought I can be. And that is still ok.
Stop pretending from myself, my days, my job, my creativity, my boyfriend. Stop enquiring the brave and rotten girl of last year and of all the past years. This is who I am now.
I simply need to be more grateful.
I simply need to do the things. One, after the other and after the other.
Life will unfold. Day, after day.
Being gentle with myself, I will find my way 🙂