To the girl of last year, leaving Holland with a 40lt backpack, a wounded heart and no destination nor direction, today I say
Well done, Chiara
While soft lights embrace me all over, I see my heart smiling and can’t resist smiling back at it. There is a special silence in all the things when first lights send darkness to rest.
The universe still asleep. Scattered birds going for an early hike or late doers, eventually finding their nest. Stillness of countless leaves, showing off in front of my huge living room windows. Almost calling my hand to check if what I see – is it just a dream?
The sky shades from a shy pink to a pastel light blue. A palm, the only one in the middle of this picture, it makes me dream about my next beach swim.
And exactly with this image in front of my eyes, I start my day. With my boyfriend’s jumper, 3 sizes bigger than mine, over a pair of blue jeans that have been begging for a bath since days.
I am blessed to have all this. I am thankful for breathing all the good things my universe send me.
What is dressed up as an ordinary life, to me is coming back to the source of all the secrets.
It does not matter how much I may plan or envision for what I will be doing in one or six months ahead, my life is here and is just now, with the things I have.
When I look back at my last year’s memories and think about that girl with a 40lt backpack, I am really no different than her. I have still the same desires to check every corner of the world. Thanks to the gods, I have the same strength in my mind and body. There are the same stubbornness and the same capacity to get drunk quickly with a special skill to embarrass me within a couple of hours, especially with strangers. I still love eggs in the morning and sweating my life out of my body a couple of times a week. I always feel emotional when I am on a beach, anytime of the day and anywhere this may be. The calmness and mantra sang by the waves never disappoint in soothing my soul. I am, exactly like last year, still the same girl looking for adventures and living adventures, even if now it does happen a bit more rare to milk goats.
But compared to 12 months ago, I am aware one big shift has happened. It is subtle and it is not written on my forehead but it is carved in my soul.
It is what makes me nod a million times when I hear my friend saying ‘You know, I’d do that but I am just scared…’
Fear, the mind based fear, the lack of confidence fear. Fear.
My friend, you should just go out and grab with your hands whatever you have to grab in order to be yourself if you haven’t already.
Happiness is only now and it arrives when the search for it has ended inside an ocean of opportunities.
It is silent. It is sacred and yet, so simple.
After 12 months, I am still the girl with a 40 lt backpack. Yes, I have bought some essential clothing in the meanwhile. And yes, I have bought other items which make me smile, like a vintage typewriter and a hair straightener.
Maybe I have too much makeup and I believe that living in one place only, it makes us guilty of using too many things. Like too much plastic, too much paper, too much waste of energy of which I am the first one calling myself guilty of.
And even though I spend most of my time inside a big house that I felt as my home since the very first time I stepped inside it last year, training my phantasy and exercise my writing skills to get me to that final first draft of my next book, it is what makes sense to me.
I found my pace and maybe it is here with me just because I know it can change anytime.
Living these contrasts of mine I have, like being too much happy or too much sad, it makes me feel like a newbie to surf. Learning to ride that big wave we call life. Even if 33 years have already passed by.
To the girl of last year, leaving Holland with a 40lt backpack with a wounded heart and no destination nor direction, I say today
Thank you, Chiara
You did what you felt, you followed your heart and your gut and you did find what you were looking for.
A place outside of yourself that feels home. A country which gives you a hint of the place you were born but with a different culture, a new language to learn and lots of nature to feel loved, blessed and inspired.
Now my mornings rise like this, with no pain in my chest but sleepy breath and the best coffee I ever tasted.
I laugh at that girl of last year, fed up with love and romanticism, for when she got tired of all this, it was right there someone truly special showed up in the weirdest way possible.
To the girl of last year, thank you once more.
Thank you for not giving a heck about what everyone else thought and thinks about you, as this is freedom. Thank you for always allowing yourself to be no more nor less than just yourself.
And yes, this is true love 🙂